In Memoriam
We've had a contemplative few days. Our sister-in-law's (Cayla and Collin's aunt) father passed away on Friday night. Our thoughts have been with her and her family.
We drove to the viewing today and although Cayla and Collin slept a good part of the way, the waking part was filled with many questions, thoughts, and ideas. They wanted to know why he died, why he was in the hospital, why people were sad, and whose house we were going to. Trying to explain to Cayla that a funeral "home" is not really someone's home, specifically her cousin's house, proved to be nearly impossible. I know my thoughts on death are coherent to only myself and explaining them to 5-years was a bit challenging. And, they are only my thoughts. Although I hope I'm raising my kids to be pacifist, liberal vegetarians, I want them to have freedom in some areas to think for themselves. Today, this meant giving them a lot of "Well, some people think _______" to their endless questions. But, in the end, I think the twins understood all they needed to. On the way home before falling asleep, Collin said, "I gave lots of big hugs to sad, sad people."
posted by Erica @ 2:13 AM
6 comments
6 Comments:
We're sorry to hear about the death in the family. It's a hard one to explain sometimes isn't it? When my Uncle Richard died this summer it was the same way with our girls. It was interesting to observe their personalities and how they repsonded also--Avery was much more questioning and interested in the process than Macie and in fact still asks about it.
Then again she's still making comments about the whole marrying thing too. Remember the post about Colin wanting to marry them? and Avery's response was "why Cayla not want to marry me?" (like she was offended that they BOTH weren't interested in her!). She's still stuck on that--just last week out of no where she said "WHY Cayla not want to marry me?!"
She's something else.
You guys take care---
Julie
I don't remember death ever being explained to me. The earliest memory I have about death is when my grandmother died when I was 4 or 5. I have memories of visiting her in the hospital, and then of sleeping in the pews during her funeral. When I woke up I remember crying really hard because I was sad. I knew that I should have been sad, but I don't think I knew that it was b/c of death. Maybe it was never explained to me because maybe I never asked questions about it.
I don't think you can ever really explain death to someone because it's a personal experience based on one's faith. How do you explain death when no one can really explain life?
The faith thing is what I found difficult. In fact, Collin and Cayla's thoughts were very much focused on the "physical" aspects of death. They talked a lot about the hospital/sick aspect before the viewing. After the viewing all thoughts were on the actual body - endless questions on 'why were his eyes closed?' and 'what was he holding in his hand?'
Flannery and I directed a lot of their attention to their Aunt and her family. And they displayed a lot of concern and compassion. But, I didn't even go into the faith area of things since it's not something I believe in. However, I felt I was doing the twins' a diservice by not telling them how people of different religions view death. And so I did tell them what I knew- but I'm really not that knowledgable about reincarnation and after-life and heaven and other concepts I can't even name. But, I think these discussions came off as "stories" rather then my "knowlegable" "scientific-based" explanations.
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we can't express how meaningful it was to have you guys there. and i don't envy you the discussions; j is still too young to discuss such things. although his fascination with naming everyone in a family picture over and over again, including his pop pop, provided a heartbreaking poignancy to the loss: we were thrilled that he recognized and could name us all, and saddened by the knowledge that his pop pop would never be there to hear it.
love
p
The discussions were actually quite comforting. The twins don't hold back and tend to ask the same thing again and again and again. It gave me pause to reflect more than I normally would. Their thoughts and questions, along my (and Flannery's thoughts and questions) really evolved over time (and still are since the conversations haven't ended . . .).
How wonderful that J is old enought to remember his Pop Pop.
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